Ya know what? Birth control makes me incredibly bitchy. And I don't say this because of anything other than the fact that I get very opinionated and start to yap uncontrollably in a very heated manner. Several times, death has come up in conversation. A particular death. When I was told of this death, I had nothing to say. Not because of shock or depression or disbelief. There were none of these things when I learned of the death. It was because I didn't care.
Does this make me cold hearted? Maybe. But I've lost people near and dear to me and nothing pisses me off more than some insincere asshole pretending that the person you are mourning was such an intricate part of their lives when you know that they are just overwhelmed by their guilt or the shock. Does this sound mean? Maybe it does. But sometimes it's harder to lose someone we aren't on good terms with or haven't seen in forever than it is to lose a close accquaintance.
Why is that? Because of guilt. Guilt over not seeing them more or being there or treating them badly or giving them a mean nickname in the 5th grade. It really gets under my skin when someone suddenly loves someone in death...despite the fact that they were horrible to them in life.
I didn't mourn this death. Yes it was sad. Death is sad. Not for the dead but for the living that did love them and will be carrying on without them. Sometimes the situation is sad. But I really didn't want to be "that guy". Because I really hate "that guy". I didn't feel sad or even skip a beat when the news came. I did feel a twang of sadness for my friends that loved this person, and would have gladly been supportive of their mourning (so long as they just needed a shoulder and didn't expect me to take a trip down memory lane...because my trip would be like eating acid laced brownies on a haunted hayride). But I was not phased. And I'd really like for people to stop trying to convince me that I'm a bad person for NOT taking a moment of silence. I'm sure this person looked up from Hell or down from Heaven or in from their respective treely reincarnation and thought "Yeah...I figured she wouldn't care" and rightly so. We weren't friends. We were secret enemies in some way that really was unclear to me. If it had been me, and she had cried and become inconsolable and mourned me, I'd have ghost-slapped her. Because I'd know it was the guilt of wrong doings or the shock of the situation. Not because it had caused some rift in her life...and I'd have been unoffended if she didn't mourn me. I wouldn't expect her to. Because we weren't friends and she tried to sabotage me in the oddest and most passive aggressive ways possible. I'm unsure why and maybe I was the mean one and once upon a time I stepped on her toe in gym class and didn't say sorry. Given our history, I'm not sorry. I don't know if incidents were coincidental or if my life just really sucked and she was in it to help prove it...either way, I don't care. This doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me honest and true to my feelings...and I know that the hormones in the Nuva-ring are helping me with my honesty!
PS: On that note...girl that I saw today wearing damn-near no clothes...don't do it again. Shirt dresses need leggings...gas stations are not music videos.
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