Dating...A Plethora of Excitement I AM NOT Prepared For!

I have a policy on dating (and I do mean casual dating...not serious pick-out-towels-and-wall-paper-naming-kids-dating) . Don't ask, don't tell. If you aren't witty enough to say "Are you seeing anyone else?" then I'm entirely too cunning to tell you. Maybe cunning isn't the word I want; I think I mean smart. I do this because there is no "nice" way to approach the subject. Exactly how do you tell someone "Hey! Yeah, dinner sounds great Thursday but Friday I plan to go scuba diving with Steve!" I think it's unnecessary.
At the same time, I am, in fact, witty enough to ask. My first questions are:

• Do you have a girlfriend?
• Are you married?
• Are you seeing anyone?
• Are you a serial killer?
•  Do you drink copious amounts of alcohol daily?
• Do you smoke pot more frequently than you wash your ass?
• Do you have a criminal record longer than my forearm?

These are just things that I've come to feel are important to know at the start of a relationship (especially the serial killer status. Some things can be overcome. That is not one!). Please note that if I ask these questions and you lie (serial killers being the exception, as I expect them to say no regardless which may make the question obsolete but I cover my bases!) you have just begun our "relationship" dishonestly. Which then makes it a relationshit.
When asked, I will say "I am dating around." Details are unimportant, as we are not committed. If at some point we become committed, I will no longer be dating around. But while we are not in a relationship (or relationshit, for the only way to know which one you have is to play the hand) I feel that both parties are equally free to explore other realms of interest. (Note: if any of your realms of interest include feet, poop, or vomit, please keep me uninvolved) I do not enjoy relationshits, so I try to keep it honest.
Relationshits come in many forms. They don't usually start out as relationshits. They're typically relationships that take a turn for the worst and become relationshits by way of controlling, abusing, mistreating, and generally ass holish behavior. Everybody has had one and I feel it's a low blow to real relationships to continue to call them relationships. Call it what it is: relationshit. If your relationshit begins as a relationshit, you did not read this blog properly and need a reading comprehension assessment in order to move forward to any future blogs.
All of the above being said, The Injun was a short relationship and a quick relationshit. In an effort to prevent future relationshits, I have started dating. I believe that dating will shortly cause me to take 2 days off work in a row and hold myself up in my house cleaning and singing loudly while ignoring anything that has a penis. (Note: This is generally a bad sign and means that because I cannot afford a vacation I have decided that cleaning was needed.) Currently there are 5 men pursuing me (that I'm fully aware of). My phone never shuts the hell up and sometimes I turn the ringer off and pretend that the bill wasn't paid for an hour. I also have a horrible memory so I end up double booking. This has been completely accidental and I have escaped unscathed both times, but could possibly not be so lucky in the future.
There are some promising prospects. But I will be dragging this dating thing out as long as possible because I really don't want a relationshit right now. The only way to avoid relationshits: avoid relationships.